I Am Willing
Written By Kimalea Arrighi
I Am Willing
A Monologue
Have you ever had an ache that starts way down in the pit of your stomach like an animal tearing your insides out. I have. It’s still hard to talk about, you know? It was terrible… and amazing! All at the same time. I can say that now. But then? Well… then, I was just a dead man walking.
It just started one day, right out of the blue. I got up early, like always. I was getting dressed for work when I noticed a little patch of flaky skin on my forearm. Right here. (Indicates location) I washed it off and there was new pink skin underneath, so I didn’t think
much of it. I just went to work.
The next morning when I woke up it was back. It looked bigger so I washed it really good this time, and put some oil on it. I went on to work after that and tried not to think about it. In just a few weeks that little flaky patch had spread up my arm. I started wearing long sleeves, even in the summer heat, so I could cover up the spots.
My wife and kids could see right away that something was wrong. I was nervous, and acting stressed out. I lashed out at them, over nothing sometimes. Finally, one night after the kid’s went to bed, my wife had enough. She asked me what was bothering me. Like a knucklehead I yelled at her, “Nothing is bothering me! Can’t you see I’ve got pressure at work?” I was hoping she would drop it. She wasn’t going for that. (Smiles dryly) Are you married? She just gave me one of those looks.
I knew I wasn’t going to win that one, so I just pulled up my sleeve and showed her.
Hey, I’m a tough guy! I can take a hit. You can beat me. Man, you can kill me! But I couldn’t bear it when I saw the look in her eyes. And heard the sound she made when she saw what was happening
to me. It came from so deep you know? (Beat) After a while, she just started crying. I was so busy trying to hide everything – trying to keep it together, you know? I couldn’t do it anymore. For the first time I just let go and cried. We held each other for a long time after that. And never said a word.
The next morning I did what I’d been putting off for so long. I was dreading it. I went to the priest and showed him my arm. He immediately put me under a seven-day quarantine. He set me up with what I would need to get by. Food, water, bedclothes. That sort of thing. Then he took me to a little room off the side of the synagogue and just left me there. My only window was a hole in the wall I could look out of and see things. The days seemed to drag on forever. There was really nothing to do. Hour after hour, you just waited.
When the seven days were finally over, the priest called me out into the sunlight so he could measure the spots on my arm. I couldn’t read his face at first, but when he said, “I don’t know, Simon.
It seems bigger,” my heart sank. I knew he was right.
The priest quarantined me for another seven days. I suppose he wanted to give me the benefit of the doubt, but when he called me out to measure the spots again, it was obvious that he was keeping his distance from me. He tried to avoid my gaze but the look on his face confirmed my worst fears. I had leprosy.
They brought my wife and kids to the synagogue after that. The priest told them to stay sixty feet from me from that time on. He said I would have to leave town immediately, and would only be allowed back on rare occasions. He said God brought this disease on me because of my sin. That I was “unclean.” His words were so cold. They stung. The thing is, this is a small town. I grew up with this man. We went to school together. Our kids had grown up together. Yah, this was my priest, but he was once my friend.
I heard about people going through this, but I never imagined it would be me. I was in shock. There were laws on the books telling what to do if someone was somehow cured of leprosy, but in all of history I had only known of one Gentile soldier who was cured of a full-blown case of leprosy. What hope did I have?
I kept thinking, “What am I going to do? My business is gone. My customers aren’t going to come near me again. Who would buy from a leper?” How was my family going to survive? Without me, who would provide for them?
The priest handed me a bedroll with a couple of changes of clothes my wife had put together for me. I smiled at her as I took it, but the look of betrayal in her eyes was so painful I had to turn away. You know, I smelled my wife’s perfume on that bedroll for weeks after that.
It was a long walk out of town that day. I went to live in a leper community outside of Capernaum. It’s not much of a community, really. Just a little secluded valley on the side of a hill, with some dirty caves in it. Far enough away so people don’t have to see it. So they can forget you’re there.
I had seen lepers before but I never really looked at them. Now, I was forced to see their pain. I understood the horrible future that was coming for them. Coming for me! It wasn’t long before the leprosy spread over my whole body. Leprosy attacks all the extremities. It eats away at the nose, ears, toes. Even the joints. They detach under the skin while the tissue on top rots away. Apart from God, there is no cure. No hope.
My family brought food sometimes. Whenever they could get it. At feast times mostly. People seem to be more generous then. They would place the food on a rock and call out my name so I would come and get it. We couldn’t talk much, it was… awkward, but they always stayed a little while. It was comforting just to see them. Even if it was from a distance. I never got used to seeing how much the kid’s had grown. It hurt knowing how much I missed.
Time kind of loses its meaning when you are a leper. Of course I wasn’t allowed in the synagogue anymore, so I couldn’t get any real news. When I did hear something, it was always second or third hand information. By then it was ancient history
Even in the isolation of the leper colony, I began hearing stories about a man named Jesus. News spread that he was healing the sick and performing miracles all over the countryside. Rich and poor alike were being touched by this man’s power. His love.
Some called him a prophet, but many claimed he was the Son of God. Jesus preached that through Him all people could be saved from their sins, and have peace with God. Even John the Baptist believed it was true. He testified that God himself spoke of Jesus saying, “This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.”
The whole country was turned upside down by Jesus. Night and day, I was consumed with thoughts of him. When I learned that Jesus was living in Capernaum, I knew I had to see him for myself. I believed Jesus could heal me, but how would I get to him? Thoughts of going to town terrified me, but I had to take the risk.
I covered my face as I set out for Capernum. I had to conceal my wounds, and hide from the crowd I knew would be there. Sores in my eyes kept me from seeing the uneven ground, and I tripped pulling the cloak from my head. I tried to fix it! I cried out, “Unclean, unclean, but the crowd was merciless. People screamed and ran ahead trying to get away from me. Some threw rocks leaving me bruised and bleeding, until I sat down and wept. I did not blame them. I knew their fear. I whad been just like them.
I wanted to give up and go back. I knew I would find acceptance among the lepers again. But, I thought of Jesus, his kingdom, and I had to press on.
Just outside of Capernaum, I saw a crowd of people coming down the hillside toward me. I didn’t know what to do. I panicked and ran to an open area on the side of the road. But the crowd was so excited most didn’t even notice I was there.
Everyone was looking at the group coming toward us. I heard someone shout, “Jesus is coming!” The crowd pressed in to see, and surrounded the men. My heart sank. There were too many people. They were so close I could have touched them. I cried Unclean! When the people saw me… saw what I was, the whole multitude scattered to get away from the monster I’d become. (Beat) When I looked up, I saw Jesus standing there. Only Jesus. In that moment I knew my life was in His hands. All my hope was in Him.
I fell down at His feet. “Lord, if you are willing, I know You can make me clean.” He reached out His hand, and touched me. Jesus said, “I am willing, be cleansed.” Immediately, I was clean. The death was gone.
There was a something like a roar from the crowd after that. Like everyone breathing one single breath together, or letting it go… I don’t know! I only know that in that instant I was healed. The rot and stink of leprosy was gone and I was clean. Inside, and out. I can’t explain it, I only know that the rot inside me was gone too. The shame, the pain, the sin… Everything was washed clean.
Jesus told me to wait but I couldn’t keep from telling everyone I saw what He had done for me. I failed Him in that. I only know that I couldn’t hold it in. Like Jeremiah the prophet, “His word was in my heart like a burning fire shut up in my bones; I was weary of holding it back, and I could not.”The Kingdom of Heaven had at last come to the people! All people. Even me.